Changing oil instructions.

[susser]

Thought it was better here than Shining Wit 'cos it's not funny when you actually do it;

 

Oil Changing Instructions

Women:

1. Pull up to Wilco when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2. Drink a cup of coffee.

3. 15 minutes later, write a cheque for £40 and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Men:

1. Go to Halfrauds. Write a £50 cheque for oil, filter, spill granuales, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Dump old oil from last oil change in recycling bank.

3. Open a beer and drink it. Jack car up. Look for axle stands.

4. Find axle stands under kid's pedal car.

5. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

6. Place drain pan under engine.

7. Look for 9/16 box end. Give up and use crescent spanner.

8. Round off drain plug hex with crescent spanner.

9. Unscrew drain plug with mole-grips.

10. Drop drain plug in pan, splashing hot oil on you.

11. Clean up using hand cleaner. Have another beer while oil is draining.

12. Look for oil filter wrench.

13. Give up. Poke oil filter with phillips screwdriver and twist it off.

14. Drop oil filter in full oil pan. Clean up a big splash.

15. Beer. Mate shows up. Finish case with him.

16. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

17. Throw oil lift (granuales) on oil spilled during step 16.

18. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

19. Walk to supermarket, Buy beer.

20. Apply thin coat of clean oil to filter gasket. Install oil filter.

21. Remove oil filler cap. Drop it down there somewhere.

22. Dump 1 litre of fresh oil into engine. Remember drain plug (step 10).

23. Feel around in full drain pan to find drain plug.

24. Clean dirty black oil from hands (step 23).

25. Install drain plug. Stay out of fresh oil on the floor.

26. Slip with crescent spanner and bang knuckles on chassis.

27. Bang head on same chassis in reaction. Begin cussing fit. Throw spanner.

28. Hit Miss December 1992 with spanner. Cuss additional 10 minutes.

29. Clean up. Apply plaster to knuckle.

30. Beer. Dump in remaining 3 litres of oil.

31. Look for lost filler cap (step 21). Give up. Stuff old rag in hole.

32. Lower car from axle stands. Accidentally crush one axle stand.

33. Move car back. Throw oil lift (granuales) to spill (step 22).

34. Drive car to Halfrauds. Buy new filler cap and one litre of oil.

35. Open hood in front of Halfrauds. Remove rag (step 31).

36. Pour in oil. Install new filler cap. Check oil level on dipstick.

37. Go back in Halfrauds. Buy another litre of oil and a strap wrench.

38. Crawl under car. Tighten oil filter. Burn arm on hot exhaust pipe.