tool info

[Jam Mad]

after my recent tools query, my sister sent me the following to help guide me in my tool selection.

 

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays

is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far

from the object we are trying to hit.

 

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of

cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly

well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

 

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in

their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for

drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that

goes to the rear wheel.

 

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

 

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable

motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more

dismal your future becomes.

 

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is

available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to

the palm of your hand.

 

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various

flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting

the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race

out of.

 

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and

motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or

1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.

 

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching

flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the

chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against

that freshly painted part you were drying.

 

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere

under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes

fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time

it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

 

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground

after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping

the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

 

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle

upward off a hydraulic jack.

 

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

 

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another

hydraulic floor jack.

 

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for

spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

 

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes

and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

 

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease

buildup.

 

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile

strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to

disconnect.

 

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool

that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the

end without the handle.

 

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric

acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after

determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you

thought.

 

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

 

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a

drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin,"

which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health

benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs

at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used

during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More

often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

 

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style

paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be

used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

 

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a

coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into

 

compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact

wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone

in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.

 

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or

bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

 

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short

 

now i know that this should probably have gone in the humour section, but i figured more people would appreciate it here !

 

teeth.gif

[Martin H]

Based on my experience over Christmas, I have one to add:

 

Long Handled Wrench

Tool for stripping the thread off nuts and bolts by disguising the fact that you're tightening rather than loosening them.

 

(Well, I was upside down when trying to undo the bolt......)blush.gif

[Graham Perry]

Reminds me of a mate of mine, who is a fitter. In the back of his van, for winding up good natured customers he has a tool roll with nothing in it but hammers, from a tiny toffee hammer through to a large club hammer, some dozen in all. He takes great pleasure in rolling it out with a flourish in front of customers just when he has got to the delicate part of the job he is working on.