Jump to content
Click here if you are having website access problems ×

come to think of it, where IS Paul?


henry21p

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 98
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

"Contractor Shot"

 

The Sun says - it's more than these Contract Scum deserve. Minced pie? Mincing scrounger, we say. Our kids have to be kept safe from crumb damage in Britain's skies. Shooting's too good for him.

 

(Ed - that's the last time Paul Davis writes our editorial)

 

G 4 Geoff

Leather Good - Carbon Fibre Bad

619 GTD here

Link to comment
Share on other sites

PIE-TASTROPHE

 

Airplanes have been banned at airports after pie releated safety fears. Anti cruelty to pie campaigners have welcomed the ban claiming that mince pies rights had been ignored for too long.

 

"It is a well known fact that a mince pie is going to come off worse when faced with a fully laden 747 heading for Ibiza yet the Government has allowed planes and pies to mix in this hap hazard fashion. This ban is long over due. I would add our thoughts are with the friends and family of brave Melvin mince pie who tragically lost his life on runway 2."

 

A spokesman claimed the ban had always been planned and that they took very seriously the rights of pies.

 

A contractor who was eye witness to Melvin, father of two jam tarts, end said: "It was terrible, he was here one minute then sucked into a jets intake the next. We always thought allowing airplanes near pies was a recipe for disaster."

 

Melvin's father Mr Kipling refused to talk to reporters at his home last night. But in a statement, made via his lawyers, said his son had been exceedingly good.

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

LOCAL NEWS

 

Police are still searching for missing shedder Paul Davis

 

A pair of his pants were found in the corner of the shed - police say they are looking into it.

 

Their efforst to track down the missing man had been halted after crucial evidence was stolen earlier this week. Paul's toilet seat went missing leaving officers nothing to go on.....

 

 

Edited by - Boonie on 2 Dec 2004 15:39:13

Link to comment
Share on other sites

UPDATE: (please note that all of the facts below came from the Daily Smail therefore MUST be true)

 

At 9.45pm on the night of 17th November 2004, a distressed and oilstained shedder burst into the bar of The Wibbler’s Arms, Lower Shed Street, crying out "Help me, help me, help me. I’ve just escaped from being parped. He’s in the house"

She was obviously the victim of a serious assault, and the police and an ambulance were called to the scene. The police officers who arrived to investigate found a substantial house with a ground floor, a basement and four upper floors. Forcing open the front door, they searched the premises, and found the car in the garage, unharmed. The door to the basement was open. There was no light in the hall, so they fetched a flashlight. They descended the stairs to the breakfast room, and found the walls splashed with oil, a pool of oil on the floor, with some male footprints in it, and, near the door connecting the breakfast room to the kitchen, an oilstained sack. The top of the sack was folded over but not fastened. Inside were some curly wurlys and some crumbs. A biscuit had been battered to death with a blunt instrument. In the hallway was a length of lead piping, covered in surgical tape, very bent out of shape. The back door was unlocked.

 

When th un-named lady was able to make a statement to the police she named Paul Davis as her attacker and the murderer of the poor hob-nob. Of Paul, there was no sign.

 

Shortly after 10pm, a friend of Paul's, who lived a short distance away, was dozing in front of the TV after a tiring day when he was awoken by someone pressing the doorbell insistently. Assuming it was a local youth, who had done this kind of thing before, he ignored it and went back to sleep. Some time later, the phone rang. He was sure that the caller was Paul, but he sounded distressed and became incoherent. He put the phone down and went back to sleep.

 

The police searched Paul Davis's private flat. He was not there, but they found his car keys, passport, chequebook, driving licence and wallet. His car was parked outside. The battery was flat.

 

Paul was driving another car that night, a Ford Corsair he had borrowed from a friend some 2-3 weeks previously. (He had, in fact, insisted that he wanted the car for that particular evening.) It was about 11.30pm when he arrived at the home of his friends (their names have been changed to protect the innocent) - let us call them "Skyblue" and "Weight added to balloon to prevent it floating too high". The house was 42 miles from his private residence, a journey of about an hour at average speed, though he was a fast driver and might have taken less time. "Skyblue" was away, but his significant other admitted Paul and was surprised to see him in disheveled daytime clothing. His flannels looked as though they had been stained and something sponged off.

 

This was Paul Davis's story, as told to "Weight added to balloon to prevent it floating too high":

 

He had been walking past the Lower Shed St house, and had peeped in through the basement window. He had seen someone struggling with his biscuits and curly wurlys in the basement kitchen. He let himself in through the front door and ran down the stairs. He slipped and fell in a pool of oil, letting off a loud "PARRRP" and the man had run off. He then panicked, realizing things looked very bad for him, and decided to get out.

 

Paul Davis then wrote two letters, both addressed to "The Shedders". (They were posted the following day. The envelopes were found to have smears of oil and some crumbs on them. ) "Weight added to balloon to prevent it floating too high" tried to persuade him to remain so they could go to the local police to clear the matter up, but he said he had to "get back". He drove away. There has been no validated sighting of him since.

 

Three days after the discovery of the bag of crumbs and curly wurlys, the Ford Corsair was found abandoned at Newhaven. Oilstains and breadcrumbs were found inside , also, a piece of bandaged lead piping, unstained, but very similar to the one found in the house.

 

 

Edited by - Dave21P on 2 Dec 2004 16:04:23

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×
×
  • Create New...