KevSull Too Posted August 14, 2003 Author Share Posted August 14, 2003 Also, I got done for jumping a 20p tube fare! This is my whole crime sheet, right? Which is quite an interesting read… 20p! This is not Don Corleone, this is Don Crap. I jumped a 20p underground tube fare, and I was waving a pass at the time, you know, it was drawn on a Rizzler or something; it was a Bishop of Durham pass. (mimes bishop’s gestures) “I’m the Bishop of Durham… Oh, bless you, my son.” (chuckling) And the guy said, “You’re not Bishop of Durham! He wears a bigger hat than that!” So he got me. “I got him! I got the 20p kid! You’ve caused us £1.60 worth of trouble, you have, in your time. I’ve got him and I’ll be promoted in the underground system. I’ll get my own darkness!” Then an off-duty policeman came, and he had a pot plant and a camera, on his way home for a good night photographing pot plants, I suppose… This is all bizarre, but true; this is what he had, and he said, “I’ve got him too! Oh, I’ll get promoted… King of Metropolitan Police!” And I thought, “I’m going down for 20p! No, I’m gonna run for it! I’ll run for it like Mel Gibson in the film “Gallipoli,” and… other people in running films.” So I run, and I run, and I run, and I run, and after five inches, they caught me… They called for backup, and now 20 policemen are coming down, thousands of pounds worth of police work – “We’ve got the 20p kid! 20ps are safe from now on…” And three policemen pulled me for five minutes! I don’t know if you’ve ever had this, they grab one leg each, and I don’t know – obviously, they were working together; they thought I was struggling like crazy, I’d given up at this point. One over here was going, (mimes pulling from arm) “Don’t struggle, there! Don’t struggle!” People over here going, “Eh! Don’t you f**kin’ struggle!” So it was a continuous machine of them pulling against each other, I had one hand free, I was going, (waves) “Hi! How are you? I’ll talk about this in many years…” 😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevSull Too Posted August 14, 2003 Author Share Posted August 14, 2003 Anyway, we do get haircuts, and sheep get haircuts. Some sheep must be going into that shearing shed, going, “Hi, can I get a coffee? Thanks.” (singing laconically while turning magazine pages) “Yeah, a little bit off the top, loose down the back, and sort of wedge-shaped, that’s quite in at the moment. That’d be great, thank you… thank you” (mimes sheep reading and shearer at work) Flump! (mimes sheep looking in mirror after being sheared) “Well, it’s not quite what I was after…” (picks up the fleece and piles it on top of head) “Do you have a hairnet?” 😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevSull Too Posted August 14, 2003 Author Share Posted August 14, 2003 Language labs came in when I was at school, and that was great; you get in that little cubicle, had a tape going around, the headphones on, and the tape would go, “Où est la plume de ma tante? Monsieur, où est la plume de ma tante?” And you’d go, “La plume de ma tante est près de la chaise de ma tante… as well you know…” And the tape would go: “Oui! Oui, la plume de ma tante est près de la chaise de ma tante…” You’d go, “How does this tape know what I’m talking about?” And the tape would continue, “Où est la plume de mon oncle?” And you’d go, “La plume de mon oncle est bingy bongy boogy bongy…” And the tape would go, “Non! Pas du tout! La plume de mon oncle n’est pas bingy bongy boogy bongy – qu’est-ce que vous dîtes? Vous êtes un putain!” “Je ne suis pas un putain. Je n’avais pas le sexe pour l’argent – qu’est-ce que vous dîtes, vous cassette?’ And the tape would go, “Oh, oh pardon. Je suis désolé, vous avez raison. (sings) Je suis seulement un pauvre cassette. Je n’avais pas les pantaloons…” Oh, it’s an old song…! Yeah… 😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewenm Posted August 14, 2003 Share Posted August 14, 2003 got tickets for his show in London in December ❗ 😬 ❗ already excited about it. So, why do people become bee-keepers 🤔 69500 miles and counting... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevSull Too Posted August 14, 2003 Author Share Posted August 14, 2003 Beekeepers as well! Beekeepers, yes… They’ve gotta want to be, “I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don’t want them to get away, I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom… I want bees on elastic, so when they get pulled, they come back here! My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this…” (runs away screaming )”I’m covered in bees! Aah! Covered in bees!” ‘Cause that’s your job, isn’t it? They must lose it- beekeepers must lose it occasionally. You know, you’re there, you’ve got the netting, you’ve got 2,000 bees… (buzzing sound) and essentially you’re trying to steal honey. (buzzing continues) “Morning, morning… Hello… hello, knock-knock, coming in, hello… Look, there’s a Ferrari over there- can you see that Ferrari?” (mimes stealing the honey from the hive) “Yes, it’s very fast, isn’t it? Well, good morning, thank you!” He must be walking back with all these bees around, and at some point, he must go, “What the **** am I doing? I’m covered in bees! Help! I’m covered in bees!” And you don’t get the normal perks of a normal job, like people who work in an office; they have other people there, you can flirt, you know? You go, “Hey! Oh, you’re new here, aren’t you? How are you getting on? Do you want a coffee? I was gonna go get a coffee- I can get you a coffee… You know, I like my coffee like I like my women- in a plastic cup!” Beekeepers can’t do that! 2,000 bees… (buzzing sounds) “Hello, there, you in the street! You’re new, aren’t you?” (scared) “Huh?” “Do you want a cup of coffee? It’s no problem! (buzzing continues) No real problem…” “I don’t want a cup of coffee from you! You’re covered in bees!” “I like my women like I like my coffee… covered in bees! Now back off, back off!” (screams) They’re always just behind you… or in front. If beekeepers get together, and go in a sort of general outing, and they’re in a van with a lot of bees following, “Faster! Faster! (buzzing sounds) Faster! Put your foot down!”(sighs) Yes… 😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewenm Posted August 14, 2003 Share Posted August 14, 2003 Cats drilling too? et la sange est sur la branche Edited by - ewenm on 14 Aug 2003 15:50:39 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevSull Too Posted August 14, 2003 Author Share Posted August 14, 2003 Ewen, Where did you get your tickets? Just cheked ticketmaster and they recon they're not on sale yet??? 😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewenm Posted August 14, 2003 Share Posted August 14, 2003 The bird got them for me for my birthday. Don't know where from - I can try to find out if you want although apparently hot cakes sales would look very lethargic in comparison ❗ 69500 miles and counting... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevSull Too Posted August 14, 2003 Author Share Posted August 14, 2003 Please find out!!! Please please please.... 😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevSull Too Posted August 14, 2003 Author Share Posted August 14, 2003 I used to keep my makeup in a squirrel hole, up the tree. The squirrel would keep makeup on one side, and he'd keep nuts on the other side. And sometimes I'd get up that tree, and that squirrel would be covered in makeup! ( mimes squirrel putting on makeup ) "La la, la la… Oh! ( mimes squirrel eating ) What?! F**k off!" He seemed to say. And squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, and occasionally, they stop and go ( gasps ), as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm a f**king squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "F**king nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit." 😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boonie Hound Posted August 14, 2003 Share Posted August 14, 2003 Would also like to know about tickets. Kev maybe you can tell us about perfume for ducks? Edited cos I woz stupid Edited by - Boonie on 14 Aug 2003 16:58:23 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Area Representative Crudders Posted August 14, 2003 Area Representative Share Posted August 14, 2003 Saw the man many times on his 'Glorious' tour with the girlfriend of the time who was a fan. No, make that a totally obsessed stalker (odd I know considering Mr I's proclaimed sexuality - a lesbian in a man's body). I didn't complain too loudly but hanging around stage doors for autographs did become a bit of a bore (you again - how many signed programmes do you want for heaven's sake!) My fave routines were the Trojan Horse and the Bex Bissel Carpet Sweeper. Must have heard him do them a dozen times but they still reduce me to tears. You related KevSull? Richard []=*(#7#)*=[] b-r-a-a-a-a-r-p! Visit the North Kent Area here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Area Representative Crudders Posted August 14, 2003 Area Representative Share Posted August 14, 2003 Oh, and add my voice to the call for ticket details! Richard []=*(#7#)*=[] b-r-a-a-a-a-r-p! Visit the North Kent Area here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevSull Too Posted August 14, 2003 Author Share Posted August 14, 2003 Hodududu, hodududu, hodududu 😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Area Representative Crudders Posted August 14, 2003 Area Representative Share Posted August 14, 2003 That's the one 😬 Wish I could remember how the dialogue went, but I have a feeling someone else will . . . Richard []=*(#7#)*=[] b-r-a-a-a-a-r-p! Visit the North Kent Area here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevSull Too Posted August 14, 2003 Author Share Posted August 14, 2003 It’s the noise that’s the best fun in hoovering, isn’t it? (sounds of hoover being turned on and off) Until it breaks! “I’ve bust it, Mum.” Good strong hoovers are good, good, strong… (sounds of powerful hoover) And sometimes you’re hovering away, and it goes over and makes that funny noise (sound of something big stuck in hoover) And you’re kind of hoovering, thinking, “Was that a bit of grit? Was that a piece of money? Or is that the Treasure of the Sierra Madre? Must know, must find out, must know what’s in it… Oh, it’s a bit of grit, damn!” But it’s much better- power hoovers are better than those old “push me-pull you,” no power… (makes sounds of manual sweeper) With the little turning brushes… (more sounds) And the dust was saying, “What exactly are you trying to do?” “Well, we’re trying to whisk you… whisk you into the (makes manual sweeper sounds again)” “But we’re coming straight back down again.” “Well, I don’t know about that, you know? I’m just a… (more sounds)” “Where exactly are you from?” “I don’t know, man, I’ve got this crazy accent. I’ve no “idear”.” 😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Area Representative Crudders Posted August 14, 2003 Area Representative Share Posted August 14, 2003 Knew you wouldn't let me down 😬 It's the way he delivers the line “What exactly are you trying to do?” that gets me every time. Been doing a bit of research on tickets etc. and the only UK date not sold out seems to be Newcastle ☹️ Nice place mind, just a long way from Landun. Richard []=*(#7#)*=[] b-r-a-a-a-a-r-p! Visit the North Kent Area here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevSull Too Posted August 14, 2003 Author Share Posted August 14, 2003 bollox ☹️ 😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewenm Posted August 15, 2003 Share Posted August 15, 2003 Links to tickets from Eddie's site Currently claims tickets available for Nottingham, Manchester and perhaps Brighton and Sheffield. Good luck!!! 69500 miles and counting... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Violet Elizabeth Posted August 15, 2003 Share Posted August 15, 2003 I was brought up by wolves ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevSull Too Posted August 15, 2003 Author Share Posted August 15, 2003 Crudders, Check here 😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Area Representative Crudders Posted August 15, 2003 Area Representative Share Posted August 15, 2003 Ta KS - I needed a 😬 and that certainly did the trick What is your source BTW? Richard []=*(#7#)*=[] b-r-a-a-a-a-r-p! Visit the North Kent Area here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Area Representative Crudders Posted August 15, 2003 Area Representative Share Posted August 15, 2003 Ta KS - I needed a 😬 and that certainly did the trick What is your source BTW? Richard []=*(#7#)*=[] b-r-a-a-a-a-r-p! Visit the North Kent Area here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Area Representative Crudders Posted August 15, 2003 Area Representative Share Posted August 15, 2003 Oops 😳 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KevSull Too Posted August 15, 2003 Author Share Posted August 15, 2003 www.izzard.com Really great screensavers! 😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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