Jump to content
Click here if you are having website access problems ×

Izzard


KevSull Too

Recommended Posts

But thimbles is what I really wanted to talk about, because… you don’t really- well, they don’t get enough press these days, do they? I don’t think they ever did, because very rarely you see, “’Thimbles: Oh!’ Says Man” You know what I mean… ‘Cause my Gran said, “Put a thimble on your finger, and it helps you, in case you slip with a needle, the needle goes up, and into brain, and death…” And before thimbles were invented, it was… “Needle Death – Tragic – Whole Family! Family of Sewers – Tragic! ‘If Only Thimbles Were Invented,’ says psychic man with big hat… and beard to match” “Thimbles Compulsory for Children in Many Buses” So – yeah…

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So anyway, he did, he came up with “E=mc2,” and there must’ve been some physicist at the time, going, “E=mc2? I had F=mc2! Oh, damn! So close!” “F” for fudge. “Fudge equals the mass times the speed of light squared.”

 

But we used to do experiments, where you tested it. “We decided to test the Theory of Relativity. Jeff got a torch… and stood on this side of the room. Now Jeff, switch the torch on and shout ‘’go,’ and I will time how long it takes to see the light and the speed… (mimes getting stopwatch ready) Hold on, if you say ‘go,’ that’s speed of sound, and I would hear that after I’ve seen the light, so say ‘go’ slightly earlier… and you time how early you’ve… (frustrated) Oh, it’s a million miles an hour! I said a million billion… no one can tell! No one can run that fast! And mass… can you weigh the torch for the mass, please? Can you weigh it in a vacuum? Can you weigh it near a vacuum, then? You can weigh it near a vacuum cleaner, that’s great! 4.5 fluid ounces… And that is the energy in cat’s pi squared ironing board… And so where are the batteries? Wallop, wallop, wallop…” Then you write it all in a project, and you put water on it, dry it off with a hairdryer and give it in.

 

“It’s kind of blurry…”

 

“Oh, it was the rain!”

 

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I want to talk about a guy called Pavlov, who was Eastern European, I think Russian, and did the famous experiment, “Pavlov’s Dog.” You probably heard of, ring bells and dogs eating food, response times, Pavlovian kind of response, it’s all about ice-cream and… And he wrote these experiments.

 

“Day One – Pavlov’s Dog – Rang bell, dog ate food, very excited…” He’s become Welsh! (Welsh accent) “Very excited… terribly excited here in Russia. Day Two – been well-accepted here in Russia… changed my name from Evans to Pavlov. I’m now called Gareth Pavlov… and fitting in well. Day two – rang bell, dog ate two loads of food, very excited. Day Three, right? (big grin, trying hard not to laugh) Day Three – rang three bells, dog ate a whole bunch of food and my leg, too. Very excited, win Nobel Dog Prize for cats.”

 

So he did this, he won the prize… Nobel, whatever he won, and Pavlov’s dog, we all know that, but you never heard his cat results, did you? You probably thought he was finished!

 

“Pavlov’s Cat Results – Day One – rang bell… cat f**ked off. Damn… Day Two – rang bell, cat went and answered dog. Day Three – rang bell, cat said he’d eaten earlier. Day Four – went to ring bell on day four, but cat had stolen batteries. Final day – Day Five – went to ring bell with new batteries, but cat put his paw on bell, so it only made a ‘thunk!’ noise. Then cat rang his own bell! I ate food…”

 

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Toasters! Toasters are good! Like them, like toast, mmm… You’ve got a toaster there, but it has a turny-dial knob thing on the side… and it lies to us. It does not tell the truth! For it has numbers from one to six, and they lie… You set on four, you put bread in on four, and boom, comes up three! Three! This is three toast, not good at all! Hardly done. You set and change to five, and it comes up six! Six! This is six, all burnt! All burnt! Scrape, scrape, scrape- oh, f**k it! Forget it! ‘Cause the toaster is in there, going,

 

“Stay down, lads! Stay down! Stay down, go for the burn! No pain, no gain! No fish, no fowl! No socks, no shoes! No hair, no haircut!”

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Now showers, there's a machine with its own temperament. You run the shower, adjusting the water temp with the feel via your hand - ahh - that feels about right. strip off, jump in and j**8s C*hrt* - you just scalded your upper torso - whats that all about - why is Mr. hand telling lies????

 

Joining the fat blokes soon - SV on its way *biggrin*

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Also, if you're in a restaurant and you're choking to death, you can say the magic words, "Heimlich maneuver." If you're just coughing and got some, you say, "Heimlich maneuver," and all will be well. The trouble is, it's very difficult to say "Heimlich maneuver" when you're choking to death. Yeah.

 

( mumbling and coughing )

 

"Your hymen’s been removed?"

 

"No no. ( more mumbling and coughing )

 

"You need it removed? Right…"

 

 

I don't know how you remove a hymen... But yeah. No, Heimlich maneuver, developed by Dr. Heimlich who woke up one night, obviously, and went,

 

 

"A fist, a hand, hoocha hoocha hoocha... lobster! Yes, Hilda! Hilda! Wake up, Hilda!"

 

"Oh, what is it, Dr. Heimlich?"

 

"Why are you calling me Dr. Heimlich? I'm you're husband, for f**k's sake! Loosen up, don't be so bloody Prussian."

 

"Well, what is it, Günther?"

 

"I have invented a maneuver!"

 

"What are you, a bloody tank commander now?"

 

"No! My name is going to be famous in restaurants!"

 

 

I don't think he actually did it that way. I don't think it was ( snaps fingers ) a wing and a prayer, I think he must have experimented. He was German, organized.

 

 

( German accent ) "Ok, Hans, I want you to swallow this golf ball..."

 

( choking and coughing ) “I cannot breath."

 

“I know you cannot breath. I will now make you breath with the cunning use of..." ( muffled shot)

 

“I still cannot breath."

 

"Ok, maybe not, maybe this will… ( muffled shot )

 

“Jesus f**king Christ!”

 

"Ok, then maybe with a frying pan..." Pow!

 

( Hans coughing throughout, as Dr Heimlich smacks him )

 

"Must be a combination. No, ok… "

 

"Ok, two frying pans… Frying pan in the bollocks… Bollocks stop…

 

"Frying pan…"

 

( Hans collapses to the floor )

 

"Oh, he's dead."

 

 

Other doctors are going,

 

 

"How's it coming along, Dr. Heimlich?"

 

"Well, not very well at the moment. It's not really a maneuver at the moment. It's more of a gesture."

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But they went to the Moon, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and Michael Collins, going round and round, working out the IRA thing. And Neil stepped on the Moon and said, "One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind." Good line but not his line, I don't think… it didn't feel like his line, you know? I bet that was just given to him and he was coming down the steps going, "Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Small step for man, a giant leap for mankind. Don't get it wrong, Neil. Don't f**k it up. Here we go. I'm a small man with a giant big - sh*t!... One man, small giant, two...two mens... What was it?" ‘Cause you gotta say something, you can't go down to the Moon and go, "Oh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!" You can't land on the Moon and go, "F**king ‘ell, I've been in that spacecraft ( stretching noises ) Right, I need a p*ss." You can't land on the Moon and wind down the window and go, "Is this - Sea of Tranquility? Sea of Tranquility? Is this Sea of Tranquility? Sea of Tranquility? There's no one around!” But he had a sense of humor so he should have used it, ‘cause there was that lunar module there – a fixed camera, just fixed, not panning left or right, just stationary. So he could've been there saying, "Hi, people on the Moon. As you can see, the Sea of Tranquility here, there's the mountains in the distance, there's the Earth! There, you're looking back up at yourselves there. Over to my right, I can see a f**king monster! There's a monster behind me! ( screaming ) Oh no, help! Get off my leg!" Buzz Aldrin in a monster outfit ( growling ) Neil doing a close-up with… "He's got me, Houston. The monster's got me! He wants cash! He's got my hand up behind my back. I think he knows jiu-jitsu! He wants cash for the release of my life. Send a million… - two million dollars, leave it in a bag by the Sea of Tranquility. I don't know, the North Shore! What the f**king ‘ell...?" Oh, it would have worked, wouldn't it?

 

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

But they went to the Moon and they brought back rock. They brought back rock! Trouble is, we’ve got rock. That was the one thing we didn’t need, wasn’t it?

 

“Rock, Neil? I don’t know whether you looked at the planet before you took off, but it’s made of f**king rock!”

 

“But it’s Moon rock…”

 

“Oh, f**king hell! This is Earth rock, Neil, come on! ( mocking ) Earth rock with special minerals. It’s rock, isn’t it? Have you heard? On the stock market, rock’s gone up three points! No, it hasn’t, has it? ‘Cause it’s f**king rock! We wanted diamonds, or sherbet or a squirrel with a gun!”

 

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So they went to the Moon and they found rock. They’ve found ice as well recently, so it’s rocks and ice. What an exciting planet! Obviously a party planet. And they went to mars and found more rock, but it’s red this time, so… We’ve got the most boring solar system I’ve ever heard of…! And I’ve never heard of any!

 

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And no monsters, either! Not one ****ing monster has turned up in the history of looking. ‘Cause we’ve been ready for monsters, we’ve been waiting for them for so long! Pictures of monsters, stories of monsters, documentaries of monsters, films, programs, television things- not one f**king monster! Nothing, not even a squirrel with a flute has turned up. ( sings jaunty flute tune )

 

“Monster! Very small monster!”

 

“Get the flute off him, that’s where he gets his power!”

 

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

That “Partridge in a pear tree” song, the only bit we like of it is that, ( singing )"Five gold rings!" People go berserk at that point! People come running in from other rooms, ( singing ) "Five gold rings!" The rest of it, we don't know; above that, it's just, ( singing, uncertain ) "Twelve… monkeys mating, eleven… donkeys dancing, ten pigmies farming, nine… socks… a swimming… ( certain ) five gold rings!" This is a human thing. We only like to learn a little bit of a song. We can't be bothered, yeah.

 

The American national anthem I've noticed is a bit hazy in the middle! ‘Cause it starts strong and you finish strong, but the middle bit's a bit, ( singing ) "And fish in the sky, and a big… monkey pie..." I've seen guys up there, halfway through, just losing it.

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, "Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? That's it." And he took me aside, he said, "Whatcha you want to do, kid? Whatcha you want to do? Tell me, tell me your dreams!" "I want to be a space astronaut! Go to outer space, discover things that have never been discovered." He said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, all right?" "All right, I want to work in a shoe shop then! Discover shoes that no one's ever discovered right in the back of the shop, on the left." And he said, "Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, all right?" "All right, I want to work in a sewer then! Discover sewage that no one's ever discovered, and pile it on my head, then come to the surface and sell myself to an art gallery." He said, "What the f**k have you been smoking, eh?

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And then the Romans came along with their gods that they had borrowed from the Greeks. They invaded Greece, conquered them and stole all their gods... and renamed them with Roman names, ‘cos the Roman gods before that were kind of crap, you know - Geoff, the god of biscuits, and Simon, the god of hairdos… You know, they had the God of War, the God of Thunder, the God of Running Around and Jumping, and stuff. "Oh, let's get some of those! Thank God they've got some gods, ‘cause we have these crap gods, you know?"

 

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Cause Shaggy and Scooby are interesting characters. They're two of the most major characters in American literature. Because, and I mean this sincerely, and I think it's fantastic, because they are cowards. They are cowardly characters - they believe in cowardice and sandwiches. And can you think of any in the whole realm of the English-speaking literature that are characters like that? Cowardly characters that you identify with. ‘Cause you identify with them, you're with them all the way! "Go Shaggy! Go Scooby!" The rest of the guys who drive the van, "F**k off!" Scrappy Doo, a Magnum... ( shoots )

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So the Pagan religion I don't know a huge amount about, but it was this earthy thing. Christianity had split into many different areas - Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone, ( beating drum ) "Row, you bastards!” You know... Original sin! What a hellish idea that is! People have to go,

 

 

"Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon."

 

"I've never heard of that one before! Five Hail Mary's and two Hello, Dolly's."

 

"Oh, all right..."

 

"Bless me, Father, for I have slept with my next door neighbor's wife."

 

"Heard it! I want an original sin."

 

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry!"

 

 

The Anglican faith doesn't have that. You'll never go,

 

 

"Vicar, I have done many bad things."

 

"Well, so have I."

 

"What shall I do?"

 

"Well, drink five Bloody Marys and you won't remember."

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"Cake or death?"

 

"Eh, cake please."

 

"Very well! Give him cake!"

 

"Oh, thanks very much. It's very nice."

 

"You! Cake or death?"

 

“Uh, cake for me, too, please."

 

"Very well! Give him cake, too! We're gonna run out of cake at this rate. You! Cake or death?"

 

"Uh, death, please. No, cake! Cake! Cake, sorry. Sorry..."

 

"You said death first, uh-uh, death first!"

 

"Well, I meant cake!"

 

"Oh, all right. You're lucky I'm Church of England!" Cake or death?"

 

"Uh, cake please."

 

"Well, we're out of cake! We only had three bits and we didn't expect such a rush. So what do you want?"

 

"Well, so my choice is 'or death’? I’ll have the chicken then, please.

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So, yeah. So the Pagan religion had very big festivals, remember, on Easter and Christmas. The Christian religion came along and had very big festivals, at Easter and Christmas. Jesus died on one and was born on the other. ( doubting sounds ) ‘Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area, you know, relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, "Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!" So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the... wood on the cross. Well, you tell me! It's got nothing to do with it, has it? You know, people going, "Remember, kids," the kids who're eating the chocolate eggs,

 

 

"Jesus died for your sins."

 

"Yeah, I know, it's great!”

 

“No, no no, it's bad, it's bad!”

 

“ No, it's bad! It's very bad. It's terrible! Whatever you want, just keep giving me these eggs."

 

 

And the bunny rabbits! Where do they come into the crucifixion? There were no bunny rabbits up on the hill going, "Hey, what, are you going to put those crosses in our warrens? We live below this hill, all right?" Bunny rabbits are for shagging, eggs are for fertility. It's a festival - it's the spring festival!

 

Christmastime, you know, Jesus born to a big jolly guy in a red jacket.

 

 

"Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, ho, baby Jesus! And what would you like for Christmas?"

 

"Peace on Earth and goodwill towards men."

 

"Well, what about a clockwork train?"

 

"Oh, yes, much better. Forget peace on earth, I don't care.”

 

 

And, you know, the Christmas fir tree, there's none of them in Nazareth. The “partridge in a pear tree” song was not sung at the Last Supper. They weren't there going,

 

 

" 'And a partridge in a pear tree. Five goold rings!' Come on, loosen up, Judas."

 

"Oh, all right..."

 

" 'On the seventh day of Christmas...’ Judy, come on, Judy, loosen up."

 

"Don't call me Judy, I've told you!"

 

"Oh! Can you lend us a fiver, Judy? I'm a bit short."

 

"All right, lads, Leonardo da Vinci's painting the picture, so everyone get your positions, here we go." "Jesus, why are you doing the big arms thing?"

 

"Well, I don't know… I just thought I'd do a big arms thing, I don't know."

 

"Well, I'm going to do a big arms thing as well."

 

"Yeah, me too! I'll call that the big arms..."

 

"Look, we can't all do big arms! We'll look like a squadron of Spitfires, for f**k's sake! I'll do big arms and you just look at me and go, 'Ooh, he's doing big arms.' "

 

"All right."

 

"Leonardo, have you got that one? Have you got the painting?"

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

And Engelbert Humperdinck! Yes, he was the man. That's not his real name; he's from Britain, but that's not his name. There's very few Humperdincks in Britain. He was born Gerry Dorsey, not Engelbert Humperdinck. His parents were not Mr. and Mrs. Humperdinck. They never said,

 

 

"What shall we call our son so he does not get the sh1t kicked out of him at school?"

 

“We shall call him Engelbert!"

 

"Good, that'll work!"

 

 

No, his name was Gerry Dorsey, and he released songs as Gerry Dorsey, songs such as ( mumbles ) which didn't work ‘cause nobody could hear what he was saying. And then his managers, obviously, said, "We're going to change your name, Gerry! It's the name that's the problem." And his name changed from Gerry Dorsey to Engelbert Humperdinck. I mean, I just wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through.

 

 

"Zingelbert Bembledack! Yingybert Dambleban! Zangelbert Bingledack! Wingelbert Humptyback! Slut Bunwalla!"

 

"What?!"

 

"All right, Kringelbert Fishtybuns! Steviebuns Bottrittrundle..."

 

"No, Gerry Dorsey, I like Gerry Dorsey!"

 

"No, we can't do it... Who we got? Zingelbert Bembledack, Tringelbert Wangledack, Slut Bunwalla, Klingybun Fistelvase, Dindlebert Zindledack, Gerry Dorsey, Engelbert Humptyback, Zengelbert Bingledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Vingelbert Wingledanck…"

 

"No, no, go back one. Go back one. "Engelbert Humperdinck." That's it."

 

 

😬You laugh at me because I'm different, I laugh at you because you're all the same. 😬

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...