Boonie Hound Posted June 24, 2003 Share Posted June 24, 2003 But I didn't touch the Salmon Mousse Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hibster. Posted June 24, 2003 Share Posted June 24, 2003 The correct line is "Hey, I didn't even eat the mousse." Phew Paul [dong dong] [wind] [dong dong dong] [scary music] [clunk clunk] [clunk clunk] GEOFFREY: Yes? [pause] Is it about the hedge? [pause] Look. I am awfully sorry, but-- GRIM REAPER: I am the Grim Reaper. GEOFFREY: Who? GRIM REAPER: The Grim Reaper. GEOFFREY: Yes, I see. GRIM REAPER: I am death. GEOFFREY: Yes, well, the thing is, we've got some people from America for dinner tonight, and-- ANGELA: Who is it, darling? GEOFFREY: It's a 'Mr. Death' or something. He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any at the moment. ANGELA: Hello. Well, don't leave him hanging around outside, darling. Ask him in. GEOFFREY: Darling, I don't think it's quite the moment. ANGELA: Do come in. Come along in. Come and have a drink. Do. Come on. GUESTS: [mumbling] ANGELA: It's one of the little men from the village. GUESTS: [mumbling] ANGELA: Uh, do come in. GUESTS: [mumbling] ANGELA: Please. GUESTS: [mumbling] ANGELA: This is Howard Katzenberg from Philadelphia... HOWARD KATZENBERG: Hi. ANGELA: ...and his wife, Debbie,... DEBBIE: Hello there. ANGELA: ...and these are the Portland-Smythes, Jeremy and Fiona. FIONA PORTLAND-SMYTHE: Good evening. ANGELA: This is Mr. Death. [spooky music] Well, do get Mr. Death a drink, darling. GEOFFREY: Uh, yes. HOWARD: Mmm. ANGELA: Mr. Death is a reaper. GRIM REAPER: The Grim Reaper. ANGELA: Hardly surprising, in this weather. Ha ha ha. EVERYONE: [laughing] HOWARD: So, you still, uh, reap around here, do you, Mr. Death? GRIM REAPER: I am the Grim Reaper. GEOFFREY: That's about all he says. DEBBIE: Heh. GEOFFREY: There's your drink, Mr. Death. ANGELA: Do sit down. DEBBIE: We were just talking about some of the awful problems facing the thir-- [gasp] [crash] ANGELA: Ohh. Would you prefer white? I-- I'm afraid we don't have any beer. JEREMY PORTLAND-SMYTHE: The Stilton's awfully good. GRIM REAPER: I am not of this world. [spooky music] GEOFFREY: Good Lord. GRIM REAPER: I am death. DEBBIE: Well, isn't that extraordinary? We were just talking about death only five minutes ago. ANGELA: Yes, we were. HOWARD: Mmm. Mm. ANGELA: You know, whether death is really the end. DEBBIE: As my husband, uh, Howard, here, feels, or whether there is-- and one so hates to use words like 'soul' or 'spirit', but-- JEREMY: But what other words can one use? GEOFFREY: E-- exactly. GRIM REAPER: You do not understand. DEBBIE: Ah, no. Obviously not. HOWARD: Let me just tell you something, Mr. Death. GRIM REAPER: You do n-- HOWARD: Just one moment. I'd like to express, on behalf of everybody here, what a... really unique experience this is. JEREMY: Hear, hear. ANGELA: Yes, we're so delighted, uh, that you dropped in, Mr. Death. HOWARD: Can I just finish, please? DEBBIE: Mr. Death, is there an after-life? HOWARD: Dear, if you could just wait, please, a moment,-- ANGELA: Are you sure you wouldn't like some sherry? DEBBIE: [mumbling] HOWARD: Angela. Angela, I'd like to just say this at this time, if I could, please. Really. GRIM REAPER: Be quiet! HOWARD: Can I just say this at this time, please? GRIM REAPER: Silence! I have come for you. ANGELA: You mean... to-- GRIM REAPER: Take you away. That is my purpose. I am death. GEOFFREY: Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it? HOWARD: I don't see it that way, Geoff. [sniff] Let me tell you what I think we're dealing with here: a potentially positive learning experience to get an-- GRIM REAPER: Shut up! Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say 'let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this'. Well, you're dead now, so shut up! HOWARD: Dead? GRIM REAPER: Dead. ANGELA: All of us? GRIM REAPER: All of you. GEOFFREY: Now, look here. You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we're all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this house, and-- [whock] Ah! Oh. GRIM REAPER: Be quiet! Englishmen, you're all so ****ing pompous, and none of you have got any balls. DEBBIE: Can I ask you a question? GRIM REAPER: What? DEBBIE: How can we all have died at the same time? [silence] GRIM REAPER: The salmon mousse. GEOFFREY: Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you? ANGELA: I'm most dreadfully embarrassed. GRIM REAPER: Now the time has come. Follow. Follow me. [clunk] [bang bang bang bang bang] GEOFFREY: Just... testing. Sorry. GRIM REAPER: Follow me. Now. [deathly music] Come. [eerie music] ANGELA: Well, the fishmonger promised me he'd have some fresh salmon, and he's normally so reliable. RANDOM: Stumm. Stumm. JEREMY: Can we keep our glasses? RANDOM: Mmm hmm. FIONA: Oh. Good idea. [hiccup] RANDOM: Come on. GUESTS: [mumbling] HOWARD: Okay. GUESTS: [mumbling] DEBBIE: Hey, I didn't even eat the mousse. GUESTS: [mumbling] ANGELA: Honestly, darling, I'm so embarrassed. It really is embarrassing. I mean,... HOWARD: I suppose... [mumbling] ANGELA: ...to serve salmon with botulism at a dinner party is social death for me. GEOFFREY: Well, all right. GUESTS: [mumbling] JEREMY: Uh, shall we take our cars? FIONA: Do we need them? GEOFFREY: Why not? ANGELA: Yes. Why not? HOWARD: [mumbling] ...is my vote. ANGELA: Good idea. RANDOM: Yes. Why not? GUESTS: [mumbling] RANDOM: Shall we go separately? [car sounds] GUESTS: [mumbling] [spooky music] GRIM REAPER: Behold... Paradise. [elevator music] MR. HENDY: I love it here, darling. MRS. HENDY: Me too, Marvin. RECEPTIONIST: Hello. Welcome to Heaven. Excuse me, could you just sign here, please, sir? JEREMY: Yes. RECEPTIONIST: Thank you! There's a table for you through there in the restaurant. JEREMY: Thank you. RECEPTIONIST: For the ladies,... FIONA: Mhm. 'After-life Mints'. [hiccup] DEBBIE: Thank you. RECEPTIONIST: Happy Christmas! DEBBIE: Oh, is it Christmas today? RECEPTIONIST: Of course, madam. It's Christmas every day in Heaven. DEBBIE: Ohh. HOWARD: Mmm. DEBBIE: How about that? HOWARD: Hello there. DEBBIE: Ah. CROWD: [mumbling] [music] Shhh. Shhhh! Shhh... TONY BENNETT: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It's truly a real honourable experience to be here this evening, a very wonderful and warm and emotional moment for all of us, and I'd like to sing a song for all... of you. [applause] [singing] It's Christmas in Heaven. All the children sing. It's Christmas in Heaven. Hark. Hark. Those church bells ring. It's Christmas in Heaven. The snow falls from the sky, But it's nice and warm, and everyone Looks smart and wears a tie. It's Christmas in Heaven. There's great films on TV: 'The Sound of Music' twice an hour And 'Jaws' One, Two, and Three. JOSEPH AND MARY: [singing] There's gifts for all the family. There's toiletries and trains. THREE WISE MEN: [singing] There's Sony Walkman Headphone sets And the latest video games. EVERYONE: [singing] It's Christmas! It's Christmas in Heaven! Hip hip hip hip hip hooray! Every single day Is Christmas day! It's Christmas! It's Christmas in Heaven! Hip hip hip hip hip hooray! Every single day Is Chri-- If ya' can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all. Thumper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rossybee Posted June 24, 2003 Share Posted June 24, 2003 Aw, jeez, what have I started 🤔 ☹️ (Nudge Nudge, say no more) Ross Very Black 6spd SuperSport Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hibster. Posted June 25, 2003 Share Posted June 25, 2003 NUDGE NUDGE Cut to two men in a pub NORMAN: (E.I) Is your wife a… goer… eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Nudge nudge. Know what I mean? Say no more… know what I mean? HIM: (T.J) I beg your pardon? NORMAN: Your wife… does she, er, does she ‘go’, eh? eh? eh? Know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Say no more. HIM: (flustered) Well, she sometimes "goes", yes. NORMAN: I bet she does. I bet she does. I bet she does. Know what I mean? Nudge nudge HIM: I'm sorry I don't quite follow you. NORMAN: Follow me. Follow me. I like that. That's good! A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat, eh? (elbow gesture; rubs it) HIM: Are you trying to sell something? NORMAN: Selling, selling. Very good, very good! (hand tilting quickly) Oh wicked. Wicked. You’re wicked. Eh? know what I mean? Nudge nudge. Nudge nudge. (leans over him, making eye gesture; speaks slowly) say… no… more. (leans back as if having imparted a great secret) HIM: But… NORMAN: (stops him with finger, which he lays alongside nose; gives slight tap) Your wife is she, eh… is she a sport? Eh? HIM: She likes sport, yes. NORMAN: I bet she does, I bet she does! HIM: As a matter of fact she's very fond of cricket. NORMAN: (leans across, looking away) Who isn't, eh? know what I mean? Likes games, likes games. Knew she would! She's been around, eh? Been around? HIM: She has travelled. She's from Purley. NORMAN: oh… oh. Say no more, say no more. Say no more – Purley, say no more. Purley, eh? Know what I mean, know what I mean? Say no more. HIM: (about to speak; can’t think of anything to say) NORMAN: (leers, grinning) Your wife interested er… (waggles head, leans across) photographs, eh? know what I mean? Photographs ‘he asked him knowingly’. HIM: Photography? NORMAN: Yes. nudge nudge. Snap snap. Grin, grin, wink, wink, say no more? HIM: Holiday snaps? NORMAN: Could be, could be taken on holiday. Could be yes – swimming costumes. Know what I mean? Candid photography. Know what I mean, nudge nudge. HIM: No, no we don't have a camera. NORMAN: Oh. Still (slaps hands lightly twice) Woah! Eh? wo-oah! Eh? HIM: Look, are you insinuating something? NORMAN: Oh, no, no, no...yes. HIM: Well? NORMAN: Well, I mean. Er, I mean. You're a man of the world, aren’t you… I mean, er, you’ve er… you’ve been there haven’t you… I mean you’ve been around… eh? HIM: What do you mean? NORMAN: Well I mean like you’ve er… you’ve done it.. I mean like, you know… you’ve… er… you’ve slept… with a lady HIM: Yes... NORMAN: What's it like? Another good one and it even made it into a TV add for Breakaway Biscuits Keep em coming 😬 If ya' can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all. Thumper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WindyMiller Posted June 25, 2003 Share Posted June 25, 2003 African or European? Windy Red and Black 1.8K Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hibster. Posted June 25, 2003 Share Posted June 25, 2003 Monty Python and the Holy Grail Scene 23: The Bridge of Death [gurgle] GALAHAD: There it is! ARTHUR: The Bridge of Death! ROBIN: Oh, great. ARTHUR: Look! There's the old man from scene twenty-four! BEDEVERE: What is he doing here? ARTHUR: He is the keeper of the Bridge of Death. He asks each traveller five questions-- GALAHAD: Three questions. ARTHUR: Three questions. He who answers the five questions-- GALAHAD: Three questions. ARTHUR: Three questions may cross in safety. ROBIN: What if you get a question wrong? ARTHUR: Then you are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril. ROBIN: Oh, I won't go. GALAHAD: Who's going to answer the questions? ARTHUR: Sir Robin! ROBIN: Yes? ARTHUR: Brave Sir Robin, you go. ROBIN: Hey! I've got a great idea. Why doesn't Launcelot go? LAUNCELOT: Yes. Let me go, my liege. I will take him single-handed. I shall make a feint to the north-east that s-- ARTHUR: No, no. No. Hang on! Hang on! Hang on! Just answer the five questions-- GALAHAD: Three questions. ARTHUR: Three questions as best you can, and we shall watch... and pray. LAUNCELOT: I understand, my liege. ARTHUR: Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot. God be with you. BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who would cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. LAUNCELOT: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I am not afraid. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your name? LAUNCELOT: My name is 'Sir Launcelot of Camelot'. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest? LAUNCELOT: To seek the Holy Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your favourite colour? LAUNCELOT: Blue. BRIDGEKEEPER: Right. Off you go. LAUNCELOT: Oh, thank you. Thank you very much. ROBIN: That's easy! BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! Who approacheth the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side he see. ROBIN: Ask me the questions, bridgekeeper. I'm not afraid. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your name? ROBIN: 'Sir Robin of Camelot'. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest? ROBIN: To seek the Holy Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is the capital of Assyria? [pause] ROBIN: I don't know that! Auuuuuuuugh! BRIDGEKEEPER: Stop! What... is your name? GALAHAD: 'Sir Galahad of Camelot'. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest? GALAHAD: I seek the Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your favourite colour? GALAHAD: Blue. No, yel-- auuuuuuuugh! BRIDGEKEEPER: Hee hee heh. Stop! What... is your name? ARTHUR: It is 'Arthur', King of the Britons. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is your quest? ARTHUR: To seek the Holy Grail. BRIDGEKEEPER: What... is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow? ARTHUR: What do you mean? An African or European swallow? BRIDGEKEEPER: Huh? I-- I don't know that. Auuuuuuuugh! BEDEVERE: How do know so much about swallows? ARTHUR: Well, you have to know these things when you're a king, you know. [suspenseful music] [music suddenly stops] [intermission] [suspenseful music resumes] Keep em coming Paul If ya' can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all. Thumper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powderpuff Posted June 25, 2003 Author Share Posted June 25, 2003 How about the racing queen vic's 😬 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hibster. Posted June 25, 2003 Share Posted June 25, 2003 Hhhhmm a tricky one 21/11/74, it was the same one that had "Hello Mrs Smoker, Hello Mrs Non-Smoker". Here 'tis CAPTION: 'LIVE FROM EPSOM' Housewife Well, it's only forty-four minutes from the West End on the train and it's not too built up, so you can have a nice garden. And the people of Epsom are a very nice class of person. Cut to a property developer in a main street. CAPTION: 'LIVE FROM EPSOM' Property Dealer Well here in High Street Epsom, There are ample opportunities for all kinds of redevelopment. As you can see, (he indicates old houses) behind me now there are a high level of low density consumer units, still not fully maximizing site value. This could be radically improved by a carefully planned programme of demolition. And of course most of the occupants ere...er...elderly folks, so they wouldn't put up much of a fight. Cut to Epsom racecourse, and a presenter, Brian McThighbone, up against the paddock rail. CAPTION: 'LIVE FROM EPSOM' Brian Good afternoon. Well in fact there's still a few minutes to go before the main race on the card this afternoon - the Queen Victoria Handicap. So let's have a quick word with the winner of the last race, one of the season's top jockeys - Ronnie Mau-Mau. (a jockey's cap comes into shot, which is all we ever see of him) Good afternoon, Ronnie. First Jockey Good afternoon, Brian. Brian (pointing his stick-mike down) A very fine ride there, Ronnie. First Jockey Well, a fine horse, Brian. You know you can't go wrong. Brian Do you fancy your chances for the Derby? First Jockey (vigorously nodding) Oh very definitely, very definitely, indeed, certainly Brian. Brian Well, let's just see if a colleague of yours agrees with that. Let's just have a quick word with Desmond Willet. Afternoon Des. Another different silk hat comes into the bottom of the frame. Again all we see is the jockey's cap. Second Jockey (Irish accent) Afternoon, Brian. (he shakes his head) No chance, no chance at all. First Jockey (nodding vigorously) No, no I think you're wrong there, Des, with the right kind of going, he's going to be in there at the finish, Des. Second Jockey (shaking vigorously) No chance, there's no chance. Brian Well in fact I can see last season's top jockey, Johnny Knowles. (two caps move over) Good afternoon, Johnny. Pause. Not even a cap is seen. Third Jockey (faintly) Hello Brian. Brian Er, could we have a box for Johnny please. (a cap comes into sight) Thank you. Third Jockey Hello Brian. Brian Thats better. Well there you are. Three well-known faces from the racing world. Thanks very much for coming along this afternoon, lads. All Not at all. (vigorous nodding of caps) Brian And the best wishes for the Derby. All Ah, thank you, Brian, Thanks very much. (they leave nodding) Brian Well in fact I hear they're ready for us now at the start of the main race this afternoon. So let's go right away and join Peter at the start. A view of the starting stalls, shot so we cannot see inside. CAPTION: '3.15 QUEEN VICTORIA HANDICAP' Voice Over Well they're under starter's orders for this very valuable Queen Victoria Handicap. And they're off, (the starting stall doors fly open; out come eight identically dressed Queen Victorias who go bustling off up the field) and Queen Victoria got a clean jump off, followed by Queen Victoria, Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria. It's Queen Victoria from Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria. It's Queen Victoria making the early running on the inside. And at the back Queen Victoria already a couple of lengths behind the leaders. Queen Victoria has now moved up to challenge Queen Victoria with Queen Victoria losing ground. Queen Victoria tucked in neatly on the stand side with a clear view. Queen Victoria still the back marker as they approach the halfway mark, but making ground now, suddenly past Queen Victoria with Queen Victoria, Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria still well placed as they approach the first fence. (a low angle shot as the Queen Victorias appear over the fence and thunder towards the camera) And at the first fence it's Queen Victoria just ahead of Queen Victoria and Queen Victoria falling away in third place. And Queen Victoria in the lead as they ... Cut back to the presenter in the studio; he is completely dressed as Queen Victoria, apart from his face. Presenter Well a very exciting race there at Epsom. And now over to the European Cup at Barcelona where the latest news is that Miguel Otana, the burly Real Madrid striker, was sent off for breaking wind in the forty-third minute. He'd already been cautioned for pursing his lips earlier on in the game and now he's off! So let's see a playback of that ... Brian. Cut to Brian, dressed the same way. Brian Yes ... er ... well as you can see ... there's Otana now (brief stock shot of football match) ... he gets the ... er ... through ball from Gomez (cut back to Brian) and er ... he makes no attempt to play the ball. He quite deliberately lets off! And to my mind he was within the box and the referee had no option whatsoever but to send him off. Cut to the presenter. Presenter Jimmy? We cut to the real Jimmy Hill dressed as Queen Victoria, veil, crown and all. Jimmy Hill Good evening. Presenter What do you make of that? Jimmy Hill Well the referees really are clamping down these days. Only last week the Belgian captain was sent off for having a Sony radio cassette player. And Gonerelli, the huge Italian defender, was sent off in Turin for having his sitting and dining room knocked through to form an open living area. Cut to the presenter. Presenter Hamlet? Cut to Hamlet. Hamlet Good evening. Cut quickly back to the presenter. Presenter Well you've got the girl on the bed and her legs up on the mantelpiece ... The nurse enters. Nurse Out, out, come on, come on, out ... (she hustles the presenter out of studio) Animated sketch. CAPTION: 'ACT FIVE - A HAM IN THE CASTLE' Mix to the theatre set we saw before. All the cast are dressed as Queen Victorias, except for Hamlet and Ophelia. First Queen Victoria Let four captains bear Hamlet like a soldier to the stage. For he was likely had he been put on to have proved most royally ... SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: 'THE END' They come on and take bows. Superimposed Python credits in Shakespearean style and graphics. MONTY PYTHON BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE DRAMATIS PERSONAE HAMLET - TERRY JONES A BACHELOR FRIEND OF HAMLET'S GRAHAM CHAPMAN QUITE A BUTCH FRIEND OF HAMLET'S BUT STILL A BACHELOR TERRY GILLIAM A FRIEND OF HAMLET'S WHO, THOUGH MARRIED, STILL SEES HAMLET OCCASIONALLY MICHAEL PALIN A VERY CLOSE BACHELOR FRIEND OF HAMLET'S WHO, THOUGH ABOVE SUSPICION, DOES WEAR RATHER LOUD HIRTS ERIC IDLE ANOTHER PART OF THE DRAMATIS PERSONAE: A FRIEND OF HAMLET'S WHO LOVES BACHELORS - CAROL CLEVELAND A JIMMY HILL NEAR LONDON - JIMMY HILL A BACHELOR GENTLEMAN - BOB E. RAYMOND AN OPHELIA - CONSTANCE BOOTH A LOONY, BUT NOT A BACHELOR - SIR K. JOSEPH ADDITIONAL BLANK VERSE: J. CLEESE (NO RELATION) (OF HAMLET'S, THAT IS)> PERSONAE NON DRAMATIS BUT TECHNICALIS (SOME BACHELORS, SOME NOT) A MAKER-UPPER MAGGIE WESTON A COSTUME DESIGNER AND BACHELOR ANDREW ROSE A CAMERAMAN OF LONDON STAN SPEEL A SOUND RECORDIST OF ILL REPUTE JOHN BLIGHT AN EDITOR OF FILM WHO IS PARTLY BACHELOR AND PARTLY VEGETABLE WITH MINERAL CONNECTIONS BOB DEARBERG A STUDIO SOUND MAN MIKE JONES A LIGHTING SCOTSMAN JIMMY PURDIE A VISUAL EFFECTOR KEEN ON BACHELORS JOHN HORTON AN ASSISTANT PRODUCER FRIEND OF HAMLET'S BRIAN JONES A DESIGNED WHO PREFERS MARRIED MEN BUT KNOWS QUITE A FEW BACHELORS VALERIE WARRENDER A PROFESSIONAL PRODUCER AND AMATEUR BACHELOR IAN MACNAUGHTON A BACHELOR BROADCASTING CORPORATION BBC COLOUR. Fade out. Fade up on a moor. An explosion has just take place. Out of the smoke a ragged man walks towards the camera. Man And then... Another good one eh Paul If ya' can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all. 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rossybee Posted June 26, 2003 Share Posted June 26, 2003 Thread should be renamed "Yippee..... a double Monty Python 😬" Ross Very Black 6spd SuperSport Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hibster. Posted June 27, 2003 Share Posted June 27, 2003 or Owl Stretching Time as that was the original working title for MP when they were developing the 1st scripts. It was also the name of a sketch in episode 4. Any more ???? If ya' can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all. Thumper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Powderpuff Posted June 27, 2003 Author Share Posted June 27, 2003 The ministry of silly walks is a bit too visual I think Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scooby dooby doo Posted June 27, 2003 Share Posted June 27, 2003 still good though HOOPY R706KGU Hoopylight R Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hibster. Posted June 27, 2003 Share Posted June 27, 2003 Sorry I'm late, my walk has been getting very sill recently If ya' can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all. Thumper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hibster. Posted June 27, 2003 Share Posted June 27, 2003 It's all been sold to make engines 😬 The CHEESE SHOP Sketch (a customer walks in the door) Customer: Good Morning. Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium! Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man. Owner: What can I do for you, Sir? Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish. Owner: Peckish, sir? Customer: Esuriant. Owner: Eh? Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike! Owner: Ah, hungry! Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles! Owner: Come again? Customer: I want to buy some cheese. Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player! Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse! Owner: Sorry? Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too! Owner: So he can go on playing, can he? Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man. Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like? Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester. Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir. Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit? Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday. Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please. Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning. Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese? Owner: Sorry, sir. Customer: Red Windsor? Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down. Customer: Ah. Stilton? Owner: Sorry. Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere? Owner: No. Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance. Owner: No. Customer: Lipta? Owner: No. Customer: Lancashire? Owner: No. Customer: White Stilton? Owner: No. Customer: Danish Brew? Owner: No. Customer: Double Goucester? Owner: No. Customer: Cheshire? Owner: No. Customer: Dorset Bluveny? Owner: No. Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson? Owner: No. Customer: Camenbert, perhaps? Owner: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir. Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent. Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny... Customer: Oh, I like it runny. Owner: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir. Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah! Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir. Customer: I don't care how ****ing runny it is. Hand it over with all speed. Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! Customer: What now? Owner: The cat's eaten it. Customer: Has he. Owner: She, sir. (pause) Customer: Gouda? Owner: No. Customer: Edam? Owner: No. Customer: Case Ness? Owner: No. Customer: Smoked Austrian? Owner: No. Customer: Japanese Sage Darby? Owner: No, sir. Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you? Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got-- Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess. Owner: Fair enough. Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale. Owner: Yes? Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that! Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name. (pause) Customer: Greek Feta? Owner: Uh, not as such. Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola? Owner: no Customer: Parmesan, Owner: no Customer: Mozarella, Owner: no Customer: Paper Cramer, Owner: no Customer: Danish Bimbo, Owner: no Customer: Czech sheep's milk, Owner: no Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese? Owner: Not *today*, sir, no. (pause) Customer: Aah, how about Cheddar? Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir. Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular cheese in the world! Owner: Not 'round here, sir. Customer: and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah? Owner: 'Illchester, sir. Customer: IS it. Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire. Customer: Is it. Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir! Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh? Owner: Right, sir. Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'. Owner: I'll have a look, sir... .....nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno. Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it? Owner: Finest in the district! Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please. Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir! Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese.... Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir. Customer: Would it be worth it? Owner: Could be.... Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF! Owner: Told you sir.... Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger? Owner: No. Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me: Owner: Yessir? Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all. Owner: Yes, sir. Customer: Really? (pause) Owner: No. Not really, sir. Customer: You haven't. Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir. Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you. Owner: Right-Oh, sir. (The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner) Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life. If ya' can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all. Thumper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rossybee Posted June 28, 2003 Share Posted June 28, 2003 I have lost the will to live ☹️ ☹️ ☹️ Ross Very Black 6spd SuperSport Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hibster. Posted June 29, 2003 Share Posted June 29, 2003 I don't know that one, how does it go ? If ya' can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all. Thumper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rossybee Posted June 29, 2003 Share Posted June 29, 2003 zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Ross Very Black 6spd SuperSport Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hibster. Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 WAKEY WAKEY, It's time for school If ya' can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all. Thumper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rossybee Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 Hey! My school starts at 8am (Even though i was 5mins late today) 😳 Ross Very Black 6spd SuperSport Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boonie Hound Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 Well I came here for an argument Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hibster. Posted June 30, 2003 Share Posted June 30, 2003 Another goody 😬 Monty Python's Argument Clinic The Cast (in order of appearance.) M= Man looking for an argument R= Receptionist Q= Abuser A= Arguer C= Complainer H= Head Hitter M: Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please. R: Certainly sir. Have you been here before? M: No, I haven't, this is my first time. R: I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course? M: Well, what is the cost? R: Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten. M: Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes. R: Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment. Pause R: Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12. M: Thank you. (Walks down the hall. Opens door.) Q: WHAT DO YOU WANT? M: Well, I was told outside that... Q: Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings! M: What? Q: Shut your festering gob, you tit! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!! M: Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!! Q: OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse. M: Oh, I see, well, that explains it. Q: Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor. M: Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry. Q: Not at all. M: Thank You. (Under his breath) Stupid git!! (Walk down the corridor) M: (Knock) A: Come in. M: Ah, Is this the right room for an argument? A: I told you once. M: No you haven't. A: Yes I have. M: When? A: Just now. M: No you didn't. A: Yes I did. M: You didn't A: I did! M: You didn't! A: I'm telling you I did! M: You did not!! A: Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour? M: Oh, just the five minutes. A: Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did. M: You most certainly did not. A: Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you. M: No you did not. A: Yes I did. M: No you didn't. A: Yes I did. M: No you didn't. A: Yes I did. M: No you didn't. A: Yes I did. M: You didn't. A: Did. M: Oh look, this isn't an argument. A: Yes it is. M: No it isn't. It's just contradiction. A: No it isn't. M: It is! A: It is not. M: Look, you just contradicted me. A: I did not. M: Oh you did!! A: No, no, no. M: You did just then. A: Nonsense! M: Oh, this is futile! A: No it isn't. M: I came here for a good argument. A: No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument. M: An argument isn't just contradiction. A: It can be. M: No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition. A: No it isn't. M: Yes it is! It's not just contradiction. A: Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position. M: Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.' A: Yes it is! M: No it isn't! M: Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes. (short pause) A: No it isn't. M: It is. A: Not at all. M: Now look. A: (Rings bell) Good Morning. M: What? A: That's it. Good morning. M: I was just getting interested. A: Sorry, the five minutes is up. M: That was never five minutes! A: I'm afraid it was. M: It wasn't. Pause A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore. M: What?! A: If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes. M: Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on! A: (Hums) M: Look, this is ridiculous. A: I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid! M: Oh, all right. (pays money) A: Thank you. short pause M: Well? A: Well what? M: That wasn't really five minutes, just now. A: I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid. M: I just paid! A: No you didn't. M: I DID! A: No you didn't. M: Look, I don't want to argue about that. A: Well, you didn't pay. M: Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you! A: No you haven't. M: Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid. A: Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time. M: Oh I've had enough of this. A: No you haven't. M: Oh Shut up. (Walks down the stairs. Opens door.) M: I want to complain. C: You want to complain! Look at these shoes. I've only had them three weeks and the heels are worn right through. M: No, I want to complain about... C: If you complain nothing happens, you might as well not bother. M: Oh! C: Oh my back hurts, it's not a very fine day and I'm sick and tired of this office. M: (Slams door. walks down corridor, opens next door.) M: Hello, I want to... Ooooh! H: No, no, no. Hold your head like this, then go Waaah. Try it again. M: uuuwwhh!! H: Better, Better, but Waah, Waah! Put your hand there. M: No. H: Now.. M: Waaaaah!!! H: Good, Good! That's it. M: Stop hitting me!! H: What? M: Stop hitting me!! H: Stop hitting you? M: Yes! H: Why did you come in here then? M: I wanted to complain. H: Oh no, that's next door. It's being-hit-on-the-head lessons in here. M: What a stupid concept Paul If ya' can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all. Thumper Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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