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rossybee

By rossybee
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rossybee

rossybee

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1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

 

'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil.

 

'Because I p*ssed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently.

 

'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

 

'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

 

 

 

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father.

 

Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'

 

'What?'

 

'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'

 

'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'

 

Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'

 

'WHAT?'

 

'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'

 

' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'

 

Five minutes later......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'

 

'WHAT!'

 

'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

 

 

 

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

 

The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

 

 

 

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'

 

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

 

'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.'

 

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

 

'The big sissy.'

 

 

 

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.

 

All the children were invited to come forward.

 

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?'

 

The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on

 

microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

 

 

 

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

 

She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!'

 

I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

 

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

 

 

 

7. A little boy was doing his math homework.

 

He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.

 

Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

 

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?'

 

The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'

 

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked

 

'Yes,' he answered.

 

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you

 

teaching my son in math?'

 

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.'

 

The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'

 

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them

 

was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

 

 

 

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, '.... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

 

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'

 

One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said:

 

'Holy ****! A talking chicken!''

 

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

 

 

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'

 

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm JaneSugarbrown.'

 

The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'

 

She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

 

 

 

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'

 

Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're

 

too rough.'

 

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked,

 

If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

 

 

 

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

 

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her,

 

'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin.'

 

She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too.'

 

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .

 

 

MARIA: Here it is.

 

 

 

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

 

 

CLASS: Maria.

 

___________________________________________________________

 

 

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your maths multiplication on the

floor?

 

 

 

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

 

___________________________________________________________

 

 

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile'?

 

 

 

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

 

 

 

TEACHER: No, that's wrong.

 

 

 

GLEN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

 

___________________________________________________________

 

 

 

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

 

 

 

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

 

 

 

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

 

 

 

DONALD: Yesterday you said it was H to O.

 

___________________________________________________________

 

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we

didn't have ten years ago?

 

 

 

WINNIE: Me!

 

___________________________________________________________

 

 

 

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

 

 

 

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

 

___________________________________________________________

 

 

 

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I'?

 

 

MILLIE: I is...

 

 

 

TEACHER: No, Millie... Always say, 'I am'.

 

 

 

MILLIE: All right... I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

 

___________________________________________________________

 

 

 

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's

 

cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father

 

didn't punish him?

 

 

 

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

 

___________________________________________________________

 

 

 

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before

 

eating?

 

 

 

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

 

___________________________________________________________

 

 

 

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same

 

as

 

your brother's. Did you copy his?

 

 

 

CLYDE : No, it's the same dog.

 

___________________________________________________________

 

 

 

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking

 

when people are no longer interested?

 

 

 

HAROLD: A teacher.

 

 

 

Sssssscottish

SssssuperSssssnot!

 

Scotland - North Of The Smoke

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